Ladies, take a back seat today, today I’m taking to the dudes.
There will a point, most likely spurred on by Mark Driscoll, yelling at you via video, where you decide it’s time to become a man. You’re tired of these little shenanigans of working at a yogurt shop at age 29, you’ve spent et last 13 years of your life finishing college, and you still live in your mommy’s basement. Depending on your time in life, one of these may not be the worst, but there is that sinking feeling when you watch someone like Driscoll tell you what’s what.
That you need a real job, finish up that school and get a wife! But becoming a man is so much more than just the things Mark likes to scream about. So to the bible college students, what runs through your mind when it’s time to become a man? Don’t worry, I’ve complied a few items:
1. Grow facial hair +5 points
This is a no-brainer. Beard, mustaches, or both automatically get you ten levels up in manhood.
2. Buy a junker car and work on it +10 points
There’s not a whole lot more manly than laying under your newly purchased vehicle and replacing the engine.
3. Taking your car to the mechanic -5 points
Weak.
4. Replace your crazy diet with a strict portion of red meat +4 points
Veggies? Fruit? These are for the lesser people. Real men can survive on a bacon wrapped turkey until the day he dies… Which might be around 40.
5. Open the door for every person +2 points
At the mall? You better get comfy standing outside the door and holding it for people. You may even make some good tips.
6. Calling in sick -10 points
Days off? Try pulling that one past your Grandpa.
7. Grow chest hair +15 points
Now since this is not really something you have control over, you kinda have to rely on genetics for this one.
8. Building a part of you house +20 points
Anyone can hire a contractor, but if you can slap a second story on top of this old house and it doesn’t fall through the roof, you’re definitely a man.
9. Memorizing the book of Leviticus +50 points
If the Hebrews way back when could do it, why not you?
10. Forgetting one of those verses -50 points
It’s all or nothing mi compadres
Tally ‘em up! How manly are you?
1-5 points – Peewee Herman: He talked to inanimate objects
6-10 points – The Red Power Ranger: He wore tights…
11-15 points – Jackie Chan: Ninja-esque in his manhood
15-20 points – Arnold Schwarzenegger: the Governator himself
20-25 points – Chuck Norris: he’ll round house kick you from China
25-30 points – President Barlet from the West Wing: What’s more manly than being President of the United States
30-35 points – Mark Wahlberg from The Departed: ‘nuff said
35+ James Bond Status: Doesn’t get much more manly than this folks
well I got 27 points so I guess I am a man after all