154 | Deciding To Become A Woman

Hello, my name is Kat and I’ve invaded the 6MOB tunnel of the interwebs for a moment…

Alright, ladies, this one’s for you. No, don’t worry, I’m not going to start playing “Lady in Red” or telling you how you don’t need a man.  This is a follow-up to the critically acclaimed “Deciding to Become a Man” post by EBC’s man-among-men, Mr Albert C. Alcorn.  Gentlemen, avert your eyes, lest you look upon something unseemly.

Now, being a woman, I like to think I have some special insight into what that looks like.  But as I started to surmise what I might tell someone who has decided to become a woman (that got awkward fast…), I realized: women are weird creatures.  And there are so many different directions I could go with this.

But we’ll start with the obvious:

1. Have ovaries and a uterus (+60 points)

I know what you’re thinking, but this is a pretty important to being a woman.  I was going to say, “Have boobs!” and then I thought, “Hmm, not all women do, though.”  So, in fond memory of a conversation I had with my roommate about the standards we have for people to live in our house, you must have lady-parts to be a woman.  Now that the awkward part is out of the way…

2. Change your mind as often as you please, typically without reason (+8 points)

Call it hormones, “female intuition”, whatever you want.  But you are a woman, and as such, you are entitled to change your mind every five minutes if you so desire.

3. Enjoy a fruity little drink (+5 points)

Ladies, you are the only gender that actually looks good doing this.  A man with an appletini?  Not nearly as attractive.  So rock what you can, sister, and toss back a margarita.

4. Blame it on “that time of month” (+10 points)

This ties in closely with changing your mind, but is, in fact, something different.  See, here’s where you can be emotional, tired, hungry, etc – all for the same reason.  Use this card carefully.

5. Thinking. (-5 points)

Women, let’s be honest for a moment here.  Everyone knows women don’t think for themselves.  Don’t break the cycle.

6. Make everything his (or her) fault (+5 points)

Girls, if you can’t figure out how to make someone else feel sorry for something you did, you need to go back to finishing school.  Remember, when all else fails, start talking about how hard your day was and how the other person has put so much pressure on you. Crying helps.

7. Multitask (+3 points)

If you’re focusing on less than five things at once, you’re about two shy of what it takes to multitask effectively.

Bonus: Always use multipurpose products. (+1 point) If it only has one purpose, give it another.  E.g., Staplers also double as a hammer in a pinch!

8. Realize that you actually are turning into your mother. (+10 points)

This is where we separate the girls from the women.  Whether or not you’d ever admit it to her, you find yourself turning into your mother.  This happened to me when I finally noticed that the things she does that drove me nuts as a child are now the same things I do that drive my roommates nuts.  This usually happens shortly after moving out of her house.

9. Chick flicks. (+8 points)

The Titanic, The Notebook, You’ve Got Mail, Gone with the Wind, Megashark vs. Crocasaurus, Steel Magnolias, etc… all classic chick flicks.  If you haven’t seen them, call your girlfriends and have a marathon to celebrate your… womanhood?  That got weird.

Bonus: Get your boyfriend/husband to watch it with you (+10 points) This works well in conjunction with #6.

10. Redecorate. Frequently. (+15 points for every room)

Because the couch looks better here than there.  And since we had to move the furniture, now you can see the marks on the wall, so we have to paint.  New paint means new wall hangings…

Bonus: Get your boyfriend/husband/male friends to do it for you (+6 points)

They get to show off their manliness, and you get a new room.  Works out for everyone!

Alright, girlies, time to tally up your points and find out where you stand:

1-10 points – Rosie O’Donnell:  The parts are all there, but not much else…

11-20 points – Richard Simmons:  You’re not even the right gender, but women loved to “Sweat to the Oldies” with you.  And there are reasons to wonder…

21-30 – Smurfette:  Created to cause mischief and mayhem upon the Smurfs.

31-40 points – Batgirl: Someday, you might grow up to be Batwoman, but for now, you’re a sidekick.

41-50 points – Glenda the Good Witch:  A woman, by all means, if only she wasn’t a young girl’s dream…

51-60 points – Marilyn Monroe:  Women still want to be her, almost fifty years after her death.

61-70 points – Aretha Franklin:  Queen Soul herself, who knows what it means to feel like a Natural Woman.

71+ points – Beyonce:  Need I say more?